The Amoeba: An Inspirational Anomaly

Hey folks. Lindsey has invited me as a guest writer for her new highly inspirational and extremely popular blog (that's short for web log). Blogs, if you didn't already know, were popular back when Al Gore invented the internet; now....... not so much. But that is neither here nor there. For today I would like to soak your soul with the miracle of the Amoeba.

An amoeba, if you didn't already know, is the smallest living organism on this planet. But what it lacks in size, it makes up for with inspiration. You see, an amoeba wasn't born with all of the modern day amenities that multi-celled animals enjoy. It doesn't drive its Honda Civic to Amoeba-School, or pay its Amoeba-bills online with BillPay. No! An amoeba has to work its cell off to do things like perform osmosis, produce energy, and split at the cellular level.

When was the last time you saw an amoeba at the gym on the treadmill? And yet how many times have you read a self-loathing blog entry on how fat an amoeba's thighs were? Amoebas don't have the luxury of poor self-esteem, and that's not because they don't have "eyes" or "brains" either. It's because they are better than you.

Before we continue, let's do some more scientific research on amoebas. And by scientific, I of course am referring to Wikipedia entries, where the internet stops and righteousness begins.

Amoeba proteus, previously Chaos diffluens, is an amoeba closely related to the giant amoebae.

This small protozoan uses tentacular protuberances called pseudopodia to move and phagocytose smaller unicellular organisms, which are enveloped inside the cell's cytoplasm in a food vacuole,^[1] where they are slowly broken down by enzymes. Amoeba proteus is very well-known for its extending pseudopodia.

A. proteus possesses a nucleus containing granular chromatin, and is therefore a eukaryote.

Wow, science is fun after all....

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if an amoeba, which has only one cell (albeit one very cool cell filled with all sorts of cool shiznit like vacuoles and pseudopodia and whatnot), can be fit and healthy, then.........Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Are you still reading this? Well gee whiz, no wonder your overweight and uninspired. Why are you reading a blog and feeling sorry for yourself? You should be out there running around for your food, burning calories and what not. Your not going to blog-read your way into a Speedo. Get off your bumpkis and go exercise.

Cue inspiration!

....and cut.

Neglecting the Blog...But here I am

When we last left off, I was dramatically about to weigh myself after 2 weeks of being on a semi strict paleo/Zone diet. I was excited that fateful morning as I arose. I just knew that the scale would be close to 160 lbs. How could it not? My clothes were fitting better, my gut wasn't so...waddle beef...I just knew there would be a change. I woke the husband up and asked where he had hidden the scale. He reluctantly rolled out of bed and grabbed it from it's secret hiding spot. I put the scale down on the bathroom floor and zeroed it out. Happily I stepped onto the flat surface, watched the numbers as they settled........... right on freaking 170lbs. Exactly what I weighed 2 weeks ago.

Scuba Steve! Damn you!

I can't quite remember what that morning looked like. I am pretty sure I vehemently kicked the scale and cried, alone, in my closet.

Then my darling husband came to me holding a loose measuring tape. We had taken my measurements (waist and hips) 2 weeks prior, so I am sure that at that moment, he was praying to God that the measuring tape would show some changes for me. We all know what a woman scorned is like. (Evil scale!!!)

The results were a little over an inch lost on my hips and an inch on my waist. But how, prey-tell, does that even work?! I still can't full understand how I had lost inches but not pounds. Fast forward to me watching The Biggest Loser last week. I found myself annoyed and a little jealous that these chunkers were losing 15 pounds (some as much as 30 pounds!!!) in 2 weeks. I mean, if I could lose 15 pounds in 2 weeks, I would be halfway to my goal. Stupid...obese people...with their easy lard loss.

Lets just say that the scale and I have become more of acquaintances, rather than every day lovers.

Anyway, I am going to be brave. I am going to post fat pictures taken on September 5th, and then pictures taken on September 25th. A little less than a month of fat-tastic results. As of last Sunday, the scale read 165 pounds. Finally! Methinks I am losing fat, but gaining muscle via the evil workouts written by my husband.

I can see the difference, so it motivates me to think that if I stay on this course, that another 20 days will give even greater results. Yay? Yes, yay.

Shield your eyes, for the below pictures are nothing less than terrifying.








As you can probably guess, the white sports bra is the September 5th pictures, and the green sports bra is the September 25th. You can also come to the conclusion that my gut is bubble gum because of two relentless babies. Favorite thing about these pictures? Alayna's cameos.

I am looking forward to seeing what the next 20 or so days will do. I am, for the first time in my life, motivated and ready to rid myself of the horrible self-loathing I feel for myself. Okay, I don't hate myself that much, I am just ready to be confident in my own skin and be healthier through diet and exercise.

Cheers to the next 4 weeks! Until next time....

Birthday Factor

I'm annoyed tonight. I am disappointed because I set something up in my head that was supposed to go the way I wanted it to, but it didn't. It actually fell asleep at 7:45pm, annoyed, and not talking to me.

I turned 28 yesterday. Even though I am past the years when driving down Speedway looking for boys was cool or staying up past 10pm was possible, I still have a twinge of excitement in my heart that, on my birthday, fun and unexpected surprises await. I am an adult. I am becoming freakishly old, but I still harbor birthday magic in my heart.

Last night I went out with 5 of my girlfriends who I rarely see. I dislike the feeling that I am only able to hold on to my friendships via Facebook. How sad is it that I am so busy that I don't see my close friends but once a month, and hang out with them even less than that? Depressing, lonely picture aside, last night was more about seeing my friends than it was about my birthday. Although the food took too long to come out and the waitress spent more of her time singing opera to the other customers than necessary, I didn't mind. I was secretly enjoying the fact that I was able to spend 2 1/2 hours laughing, talking and rolling my eyes at my friends.

Even though I wouldn't have cared either way, I was very touched that my friends gave me a few presents and cards. Gifts aren't a big deal to me, but it truly made me feel loved that they thought about me and made my day special.

Do you know what I asked my parent's for, for my birthday? I totally asked to go to Costco and buy a bunch of stuff. I miss buying in bulk apparently. Food, glorious food!....and toilet paper!...diapers! 5 tubes of toothpaste! 1000 capsules of Tylenol! Oh sweet shopping spree Batman, it's going to beautiful.

Tomorrow is the long-awaited weigh in. Hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised.

Blog Post 1 1/2

To make sure that I am updating you on the "Journey to Minimize Self Loathing", I wanted to say that, as of last Sunday, I had lost 5lbs. After AJ was born almost 6 months ago, I was a beefy 180lbs, the heaviest I have ever been. I managed to get down to 170lbs, but then the scale (I mean my body) said, "You...shall...not...pass!" Which I didn't until I stopped breastfeeding. TMI? Too bad. My body was super horomoned up and I am the type of person that holds onto the weight instead of shedding it. Hurray! Thanks genetics.

Anyway, since then I have started a modified Paleo-Zone diet. Shut up. It is real. Not only is it real, but I feel great, lost 5lbs of fattness in the first week, and it really isn't hard. Some people don't like the idea of having to measure things out or having "blocks" or...whatever. But I do. I, not so secretly enjoy the puzzle of figuring out what to eat and how much.

So I am basically eating 3 blocks of protein (usually around 3-5 oz), 2 blocks of carb (depends on the carb!) and 8 blocks of fat, 3ish times a day, with a small snack stuck in there sometimes. I get all of my carbs from fruits and veggies...minus my dear potato, corn and peas since these are complex carbs something...something...

Anyhoo, I eat meat, a lot of vegetables, a bit of fruit, a little dairy, nuts, avocado andddd baaaacooonnn. Sweet, sweet bacon. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? You're right. I will save it for another post. Fare thee well bacon, until we meet again.

I am so anxious to see the weight I have lost in 2 weeks. My "loving" husband has since hidden the scale so that I would only be able to weigh myself once a week. I can't find it anywhere. Methinks I am down to 160lbs. J , the husband, put together some Crossfit style workouts for me which I absolutely hate/love.

I will make sure to post pictures of my progress. The beginning pictures would scare the holy crap out of you since I am wearing shorts and a sports bra. Maybe easing you all in with a shirt would be kinder. Yet, I am thinking that seeing the evil that is the first picture, and then comparing it to the finished product could be inspiring.

Away I go! Until next time.

Blog Post 1-Blogs Are Dumb

Greetings from a blog virgin.

Whoops. Not anymore.

Let me start out by saying that I think blogging is stupid. I don't understand it, but I want to. It is kind of like walking by a group of people who are all looking up at something in the sky. Instead of walking by uninterested, I must look up too. Hopefully looking up will find me watching Superman, or a rare bird, or the sun exploding and not the mundane, fly-a-way balloon or low flying helicopter.

I forget where that metaphor was going.

I mainly set up this blog to humor myself into thinking that, perhaps, people might be interested in reading what I think and, more often, what I know (Gosh-joke). I want it to be observations, sarcasm, sarcastic observations and maybe a little bit about myself. Boring ramblings aside, I do want to use this blog, also, as a written journey from being "Waddle Beef" (aka-Fat Mommy) to a weight around "Hey, that tormenting, self loathing feeling is gone".

It took me forever to come up with a name for my blog. Like, an embarrassing amount of time passed before I came up with something as menial as this. But seriously, spell check is amazing and yet, we seem to ignore this grand tool. Do not let the things that you write go unchecked! Not only spelling, but grammar and correct word usage is imperative. Imperative. Here is why: Because you look like an uneducated idiot if you are consistently spelling things wrong. (Everyone has a typo now and then, fo realz. I can get on board with that) You also look like a huge doof when you get your "theres" mixed up (and your "yours"). I looked for a chart on Google to help illustrate, but apparently none exists. Maybe if one did, we wouldn't have this American epidemic now.

My point is that your intelligence is showing when you write anything! Don't cover it up under the robe of misused "theres".